What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 02.07.2025 02:44
I was very sick at this time too.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
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I could never make a relationship work though!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
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My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
And who doesn’t know suffering?
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
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You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
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Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
So, i spoilt her more .
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
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This is soul school!.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
(And it was in our own minds.)
Overthinking is killing me day-by-day. What should I do?
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
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I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
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It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
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She wouldn,t have been !
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
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And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
She found it foreign!.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
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Another so called friend had bit the dust..
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
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Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I think the readers, may guess!
Do they have internet in hell? Most people on here seem like damned souls or demons.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
My life is so biszare .
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I have no regrets .
Im dying but, im not bitter.
But it wasn’t much.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
We all went to grammer schools
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Where the ultimate outsiders.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
My family never makes their pension either.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Comes on , in middle age.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
She loved him until the end.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
What did i know ?
And i lived it daily.
All the time i was locked up.
Especially a lifetime of it.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
He knew the spot.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
One cannot live in the past .
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Would this be the day?
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
He resisted the act ,that day.
I said to her
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
But ive been too sick for many years..
I never cut or harmed myself..
I was seconnd youngest,
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
It was going to be , some day.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I did it because my mum asked me too!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I don,t even have a pension.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
When she asked me how she looked .
I was scared of men, in general
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
She was in good health!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Ive learnt so much.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
She married twice! .
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I will be 64.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
We were not on the streets..
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Was to survive, this bastard.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Im still living with it.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I couldn’t, believe it.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
As i do to all so called friends.?
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I write beautiful poetry .
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Why did i forgive my father ?
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I was 9 years of age.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
But, we were locked up after school.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Who then, do I blame.?
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Put me off passion for life!!
I waited trembling.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
So whats the point in blame.